Charile Sheen's Human Aura Forcing Clairvoyants to Unemployment

Over the past week, California and surrounding states have experienced a sharp increase in unemployment claims filed by Clairvoyants due to the inability to work caused by the sudden and overwhelming expanse of Charlie Sheen's aura.

Psychic's claim the ability to read the thier client's aura have been directly impacted by Mr. Sheen's crushing deluge of increased aura output.  Life long Psychic expert and advisor, "Aqua Star," had this to say: "Each time I give clients a reading of thier current aura, I'm partially blinded by Mr. Sheen's aura output. It gets so confusing. I told my last client her emotional aura was calm and full of Tiger Blood. The magintude of Mr. Sheen's aura is something we've never seen before."

The intense aura energy emitting from his California residence are being felt as far east as Colorado. As a result of his abnormal aura output, the ongoing incident has been dubbed within the paranormal community as "Charlie's Shine".

However, not everyone in the Clairvoyant community viewed Sheen's extended aura output as a negative event. One noted Clairvoyant, Iseen Delite, viewed it as an opportunity and had this to say.  "There's no telling what we can learn from this; we have never had a chance to study an aura of this intensity before.  It's like the frink'in Northern Lights!  It even makes a sound if you listen to it on a quiet night."

Adding even more interest, recent measurements of Mr. Sheen's Aura indicate it is continuing to grow. While this has caused Clairvoyants in neighboring states alarm, Iseen Delite pointed out it's not just a ground level event. "Think of Mr. Sheen's Aura as a cone, or a Dunce Hat if you will. As it continues to grow, the point of the Aura is coming close to penetrating the Outer Atmosphere. Oddly, or perhaps not, the Aura cone tip apprears to be pointed directly at Mars."

We'll have more on the story as it unfolds.

Blogger's Block Suppositories: Making things happen

Blogger's Block can be difficult to over come. Try as you may, the creative juices are not flowing. The problem becomes worse over time. Each day that goes by without writing increases the feelings of discomfort. Fortunately in this modern age, help is just one insertion away.  A new Suppository called  Blog-O-Lax delivers fast, gentle and predictable relief from Blogger's Block. Most importantly, you'll feel results within 10 to 12 minutes, helping you overcome Blogger's Block quickly and get back in the seat again.

Bloggers around the World have endorsed the product, praising Blog-O-Lax for it's positive results. Max Burton, a recent user of the product, has this to say: " I was blocked up and couldn't blog at all. After using Blog-O-Lax, my Blog postings are flowing like a river and the tingling feeling tells me it's working. If you have Blogger's Block, this product is worth probing."

Blog-O-Lax may not be right for everyone. If you are already under treatment for the urge to blog about your pet, do not use Blog-O-Lax. Consult your doctor before using. A small percentage of users have reported Blog Bursts lasting longer than expected. If you experience intense Blogging Output lasting more than 24 hours, consult a physician immediately.  Side effects have been noted in clinical studies.

These side effects include:

• Loss of Blogger Control
• Keyboard Diarrhea
• Itchy palms
• Typing variations of statements making the same point
• Abdominal Distension
• Projectile Blogging
• The desire to hear "Stairway to Heaven" while typing
• Creative cramping and discomfort
• Temporary Zombieism
• Inexplicable fear of scroll wheel on computer mouse
• Foot-in-Mouth Disease
• Acute loss of Subscribers

Blog-O-Lax will be available at all major drug stores starting March of 2011.  

Incoming Solar Flare Interrupts Cell Phone Communications: Suicide Hotline set up for Teenagers

Recent Solar Flares causing cell phone outages for 12 minutes left thousands of teenagers traumatized. With no way to send meaningless and endless information to others within their social network group, many teenagers displayed signs of disorientation, depression and expressed a desire to “end it all” . Emergency rooms at Hospitals across the Nation were overwhelmed by the volume of panicked parents with children exhibiting near catatonic behavior.

In response to the Crisis, communities have set up clinics and out-reach programs to teach teens to utilize land lines which are unaffected by the solar flares. Teens are experiencing difficulty however, adapting to this 'new' old technology, but help came swiftly. Katie Williams, Director of the NYC Emergency Phone Clinic program, “There's Still a Way to Say Hey” commented: “I have 20 princess dial phones all tied into land lines to train the kids. The hardest part is getting them to stick their finger in the dial and moving it in a circular motion. After succeeding in dialing the number, they just stare at the dial, like they are waiting for something to happen. It's spooky.”

Justin Burton, a distraught youth who attended the program was quoted as saying “It was really crazy, I could hear my bud Chad talking and I could talk to him but I couldn't text, send pictures or jokes. All I could do was...talk. I mean, what am I supposed to say? I was kinda like stuck. And the phone was really huge and sucked. I couldn't like walk around and stuff because of the cord thing. How weird is that? Being without my REAL phone was like the worst 12 minutes of my life ever. Seriously!”

Political Unrest Spreads: Massive Protest Held in Antarctica

Tens of Thousands of Emperor Penguins gathered today at the Chilly Willy Memorial Park to protest the World's fight against Global Warming. The Penguins, who must endure sub zero temperatures on a daily basis have always been in favor of Global Warming since the issue came into the political arena.

Historically hampered by having no central government and poor media representation, the Penguin's protests have never been heard. But all that changed when Philly Willy, great great grandson of Chilly Willy, used the power of Internet and Social Media to organize a massive Rally in favor of Global Warming. After viewing streaming video of the political protest around the world Philly moved into action and posted a Blog that went viral throughout the Antarctica Community. Within two days, Mr. Willy had organized the largest protest to stop fighting Global Warming that has ever been seen within the Antarctica Community.

In an exclusive interview, Philly Willy had this to say: “ We've always been for Global Warming. It's usually 40 degrees below zero down here. But over the past 10 years we've been getting a week or two of only 20 below in the summer. Those weeks are a slice of heaven. We look forward to those weeks and you humans want to stop that? I mean, come on. From what I see on the Internet you humans like to vacation in warm places.Well guess what? We like it to. So I organized a protest. We're sending a message to the World. If you continue to back efforts to stop Global Warming, we will refuse to pose for all of those cute photos. Shoot, we never get paid anyway."

Philly Whilly (center) and wife, Milly Willy (right)

Perhaps a bit bitter about the situation, Mr. Willy ended the interview with this comment: “ I read on line about old hairy humans talking big about having to walk 3 miles to school. Big Deal. Try balancing a frickin egg on your feet for two months in sub freezing temps with 90 mph winds.”

Backyard Ballistics

We here at Pizza Beaver are most content when we are blowing things up, creating fire balls, tearing things apart or shooting odd items through the air. So it was with great delight that I received this book as a gift from my wife.

Backyard Ballistics written by William Gurstelle is a wonderful collection of things you can make at home to entertain yourself, family or friends. The projects range in scope of difficulty from simple to complex, so there is something for everyone.

I particularly liked chapter 2, The Potato Cannon and chapter 8, The Tennis Ball Mortar. There is something thrilling about watching a tennis ball fly faster and further than any Professional Tennis player could hit it with a mere Racket.

The author is a professional engineer who has designed, constructed and collected ballistics experiments for over 20 years. It is distributed by independent Publishers Group at http://www.ipgbook.com/

I'm sure it could be found at http://www.amazon.com/ as well. ISBN 978-1-55652-375-5

Retail is $16.95 and well worth the money as it is complete with plans and detailed instructions for all of the projects listed in the book. Get your copy and launch a new direction in fun!

Please Call Jackie

Don't you hate it when co-workers play practical jokes with your work computer while you are away from your office or workplace?

Well, OK, admittedly this is not a person's work computer, but rather one of two old Laptops that fell into our mits. The idea was to use them to surf the net in our workshop via wireless connection.  This proved to be unobtainable so we took the next logical step; we destroyed them. Slowly. Alone. In the rain.  Sorry, got a little Hemmingway there for a second. So, once having decided the two laptops were destined to be scrapped, we asked ourselves "What happens to a Laptop screen when shot by a Paintball Gun?"

It's interesting to note the first few shots taken at a distance of 3 feet from the screen did NO damage! After backing up to 6 feet, five shots produced a nice design, but not as much color as we had hoped. So, we shot the screen again. Then again. Then some more.

Tiring of the results, I garbbed my 12 Gauge Slug Rifle and produced this nice hole. Well, OK, that's not true. Actually we wondered what would happen if we tried to drill a hole through the screen. Turns out you get a glowing hole.

The second computer produced a more colorful result which poses some unanswered questions. For example: Is the reason some Laptops have brighter screens because they have more computer color dust in them, or were the different results just random luck? We went with random luck.

If you decide to try this at home, please follow any safety guidelines you can find online about drilling holes through Laptops. And remember. We are trained professionals. Not in this field, but if you need a Pizza delivered, we know how to drive and have licences that permit us to do it.

U.S. Navy tests CMD Technology off Coast of Spain: Chaos Ensues

The United States Navy announced today the successful test of its new Coastal Mimicing Device. The new device, known as CMD, uses antiopatic energy to copy a visual image of the coast the ship is currently bordering and display the image over top of the Air Craft Carrier. This caption of  sattilite imaging of the test shows it effectivness as it was tested on the USS.JFK off the coast of Spain.

The test was considered a huge success by U. S. Navy Admiral Carlos Speedhide, who oversaw the test. In a press conference the Admiral had this to say: "This advancememt will make the rest of the world cry Olly olly oxen free all night long."

But along with the success of the test, problems surfaced on land when GPS devices, confused by the satellite imaging, led tourists visting the coastal area to drive into the Ocean. Bob Stepingforth, a tourist affected by the test had this to say:

"My wife was worried because things didn't look right out the windshield, but I said to myself, my Tom Tom has never let me down. The next thing I knew I was in the drink. If this camo copy thing is going to become common pratice for these big boats, they should put in a bridge."